dbag #43: n’sync-itis

heres the senerio… you are dating a guy and things are good, like REALLY good. you have taken each other to meet your families and friends maybe even a work function or two.. everything is on track for him to be the (drum roll please) ONE! then suddenly he pulls the i just need space card and you are icecream eating, sappy movie watching, sweat suit wearing depressed. this man has just broken your heart into a million trillion pieces..no not pieces..shards that cut your very soul everytime you try to breath. its a rough few weeks, but being a woman you put on your big girl panties, your sexiest outfit call up your girls and announce its time to get over this dbag m-effer. and heres the thing you do cause thats what us ladies DO, cant keep us down for long! you find out he has a new lady friend, even see them around town a few times.. and guess what you are so resilient that it dosent even phase you..  and when you find out she breaks with him, you actually feel kinda sorry for the dbag.! the sun is shining, birds are singing, you find yourself in the company of some rather dashing young men and you are embracing the single life again… it is a glorious few months. and you have all but forgotten about whats his name… his loss anyway. then one night you are sitting at home on a particularly boring rainy sunday night and HE calls…. yes its him the dream stomper. and for whatever reason you answer (yes something else us ladies do just because sometimes we are stupid) here comes the song and dance.. “youre all i ever wanted, youre all i ever needed, so tell me what to do now when i want you back.” hmmmmm… you think, there is a very small part of your heart that gasps, that restarts the little flame of hope… maybe it was just a mistake, maybe he really does love you and was just scared, maybe he has been broken hearted and realizes just how much he loves you and cant live without you your heart whispers… then your liver (which is bigger than your heart) says heart shut the hell up, hes just lonely.. you get back with him ill stop working and youll get hepatitis… so you say “well….” “anything.” he pleads “well….. you can go eff yourself and the high horse you juse rode in on.”

until next time xoxoxo frances

Advertisements

dbag #42: who’s your daddy?!

happy fathers day! in honor of fathers day i waould like to give a shout out to my dad.. who thankfully doesnt read my blog… but just in case one day i get famous and this should become a smash sensation, i want him to know i think he’s cool. anyway, he was hands down the best dad ever still is actually, even though im all grown up he is still rocking that paternal title like none other…oh and his name is mr. butterbum, david butterbum… not dbag big daddy! yeah you see i already have a dad (who i do call daddy from time to time, esp. when i am trying to persuade him to help me with something)  and its not you dbag so no im not going to call you big daddy when your little willy is swinging around like a half deflated water balloon. you see i have an issue and this is what it is… i dont want to think of my dad ever like EVER EVER EVER when i am in any sort of undressed state with a man in any sort of undressed state… because: it. is. repulsive! i even have a hard time thinking of my mom and dad doing it and i know they did at least twice because of my brother and i.. so the topics of my dad and sex just dont mix… like oil and water…ugh! like i just barfed in my mouth right then cause i was forced to even fathom the idea. see just the thought of saying something like: “oh big daddy, your penis is just so big, come and take me right here on the kitchen table” is…just wrong…on sooooo many levels. thats a porn thing or something.. or you have to have some serious daddy issues… not my, nope i have NO daddy issues.. my dad was great i had a (relatively) happy, normal childhood… so i wont be calling you “big daddy” anything soon you effing dbag, because a.you ARE NOT my father and b. big is not really a word i would use to describe anything about you except for maybe how much of a dbag you are.

until next time xoxoxo frances

dbag #41: mamas boy

I love a man who loves and respects his mother, who has a good relationship with her and who praises her in helping him become the fine man he is today… There is a line drawn though that when you cross it you become a mama’s boy. If you are 5 being a mamas boy is endearing… If you are 25 and your mom still cooks for you, packs your lunch everyday, washes all your wash, makes doctors appointments for you… Basically does every damn thing for you besides breast feeds you or wipes your butt after you have a poopy in the potty (such a big boy you are) then you are a mamas boy…and that is just not a good look for a grown man. Being a mama’s boy doesn’t make you an automatic dbag… It just kinda makes it creepy when we are in the middle of messing around and the phone rings and it’s your mom you stop and are like “gotta get that it’s my mom…. And then proceed to tell me I ‘don’t have to stop’ look I’m sorry I don’t know if their is some type of weird fetish but I am NOT cool with doing certain things to you while you have a half hour conversation with your mom about what sally said about Karen’s son (hush *the homosexual* hush) at quilting club. That not only makes you a dbag, but a weird dbag at that! Also compairing me to your mother… Not cool. Yes I understand that your mother was the best mother to ever grace motherhood, yes I know your mother walked on water and also cured the blind man… I get all that, I get that not even in my wildest dreams could I EVER hope to come anywhere near her greatness.. now please stop reminding me of just how inadequate I am at being a woman. And if every single solitary decision you have to make requires input from your mother… Like you want to buy a new shirt and you ask me if I like the blue or green better… I say blue and you are like “here take a picture of me wearing each one so I can send them to my mom to see what she thinks” then you say “mom says she likes the green.” And then you buy the effing green shirt! Holy freaking mamas boy dbag to that I say hey buddy what’s that hanging out of your shirt… Oh it’s just a string, for a second I thought your umbilical cord was still attached!
Until next time xoxoxo frances

dbag #40: white rabbit syndrome

“im late, i’m late a very important date.”

i, personally, hate being late… 5-10 mins is one thing, but im talking like more than a half an hour late. therefore i hate when guys are late for EVERYTHING… these would be the guys you joke with that they will probably be late for their own funeral… except really that ish aint funny. i mean i get it sometimes things happen that cant be advoided.. like you get pulled over or your house is on fire or you catch your weenie in your zipper.. those are legit excuses BUT a simple phone call that you are going to be more than 45 mins late would be cool (and then maybe show up with flowers just to smooth things over) that way i dont look like a loser sitting in the restraunt waiting for your ass. i dont even know how a guy runs late anyway… its not like he has to do his hair and make up and change his outfit like 5 times because it makes his butt look odd… although if THAT is the reason you need to be less concerned with your guys tardiness and seriously more worried that he is an undercover brother… if you catch my drift. i cant imagine that a whole section of the male population have that much problems with time management… i have a sneaky huntch that its just a lack of CARE to the fact that, i dont know, you have been waiting outside a bus stop in a seedy area…for an hour… and the sun is rapidly setting. unlike alice’s white rabbit.. they arent running around all frantic.. they are walking that slow “im a dbag walk”..thats a dbag for ya.. jerks!

until next time xoxoxo frances

dbag #39: maybe we need to define “athletic” body type

ok i have, in a moment of temporary insanity and slight loneliness, have tried online dating. I am an equal opportunity dating site voyager and believe me when i say all sites are not created equal. anyway…. yes, i did end up going on a few dates…also… not all men on those sites are created equal. sure i met some decent guys, some i actually formed friendships with and still talk to from time to time… but the overwhelming majority of the guys i met on there were dbags. apparently some dbags use those sites as an “all you can eat booty call buffet” and have great conversational skills right along those lines…real mature. although in this case im talking about the guy who makes you think hes 6 foot, works out 5 days a week, clean cut with  light eyes and a smile that could melt icecream in a sub zero freezer. says he has one child, works in finance, has a place of his own and likes eat mexican. seems respectful and can hold an intelligent conversation. right up my alley… make plans to meet and i (like most ladies) invest way too much time trying to look sexy yet innocent, hot yet natural. so we meet for coffee, i walk in 5 mins late (cause thats what women do) and im looking for “Dylan” in the light yellow shirt… oddly enough the only guy wearing a dark yellow shirt is balding with a grubby 5 o’clock shadow,  little more than a little soft in the middle (have you ACTUALLY ever done a sit up or even a crunch for that matter) and his eyes are some non descript brown color… just as im about to make a quick exit and text him with an ‘i’m sorry i cant make it’ text…he spots me….SHIT! whats a girl to do? being ever the lady i plaster on a fake smile and extend my hand… maybe he’ll be charming… if nothing else ill get a free coffee and maybe an interesting conversation. so “dylans” excuse for the pictures was that they are about a year old (ummmm… then not only did he shrink in height and grew in width but he aged really REALLY badly) i excuse the faux pas and laugh it off… no sense making him feel worse about his already seemingly poor self esteem… he wasnt all that awful of company to be honest… maybe it was the massive amounts of caffeine and the two times my daily allowance in refined sugar AND carbs in the huge muffin i was ingesting than “dylan” has so kinda bought for me. so sweet of him… its a shame i was staring at the grease stain on his shirt more than i was listening to him go on and on and on about his collection of movie posters (cant make hthis up) that graced the walls of his parents basement that he was “temporarily” living in because he had to pay support for his 2 kids and working as a cashier just wasnt cutting it! not to mention his idea of mexican cusine was taco bell… thats not even actual mexican food! so “dylan” you wouldnt have been so much of a dbag if you had just been honest and not made me waste an awesome outfit and a good hair day on a 30 something guy who lied his ass off on his dating profile… BUT the fact that you did AND the fact that when you talked (endlessly) about yourself you got little white specks of foam in the corners of your mouth that just kept expanding and you didnt have the cooth to notice they were there..even after i wiped my own mouth several times hoping that you would get the picture… that “dylan” my friend pushed you right into dbag territory.

until next time xoxoxo frances

dbag #38: mr.surprise youre a huge hit on youporn

i am (obviuosly) not a porn star, i dont want to start a new career as a porn star either… but you johnny holmes wanna-be you wouldnt know that would you because you never bothered to ask me BEFORE you set up the secret ‘nanny cam’ did you? nope… you didnt. not only is that a major dbag move its also kinda dirty (not in a good way) and i think probably illegal. not to mention jeopardizes your life and limbs… just saying. honestly you could have asked for permission first, i would have thought about it for like 3 seconds and been like….ummmm…no, i dont want people to know that we actually WERE doing it. but now apparently the video has like 3,000 hits in like a week… thats cool… oh you think its because of the ‘work’ you were putting in… hahahaha thats laughable, i saw the video and you look like a hunchback on crack with a bum hip and a severe lack in the rhythm department…now that i have seen you in all your glory, even if i didnt want to kill you i would never have sex with you again cause thats how stupid you look… ewwwww so not attractive! i wonder how much your grandma would enjoy a burned copy of your award winning performance… or your mom… or your female boss… just a thought. oh and just to set the record straight, john holmes you are so blindingly not… just in case you were wondering.

until next time xoxoxo frances

dbag #37: i pick things up and put them down…

i work out.. i have a love/hate relationship with working out. i work out in front of my tv and yell really mean things at it when my muscles are killing me (helps me get through) and thats why i dont actually go to the gym anymore because i dont want everybody thinking i have tourettes, that and all the dbags at the gym. you know they guys whose arms are about the size of a 13 year old boys but they walk around like they are all huge and stuff or the ones who walk around bragging about benching 300lbs..but you have been there for an hour and yet to see the dude actually do anything or the guy who is thinks he is a personal trainer and tries to give you “pointers” while standing waaaaaay too close. look im all hot and sweaty looking like a hot mess… youre (oddly enough) not so i dont want you to tell me what you think is the proper position to do dead lifts.. while standing behind me… so… i switched up my work out location. however i have learned that i cant get away from the gym dbags that easily (of course not) because of this wonderful thing called facebook! yeah.. facebook has brought the annoying gym dbags right into my home! ok seriously gym going facebook posting dbag,cool tag that you are at “big poppas gym” every single day.. good for you, wait let me get out my pom-poms and cheer you on.. ra-ra- shish- boom ba… lift them weights… eat that protein.. goooooooo dbag! now what i dont need is “progress” pictures every other day… or pictures of your matching shirt/short/sneaker combo… or hear stats on your weight/rep/set ratio… there are site dedicated to the soul purpose for dbags to post all that shit… cause personally i dont care,its not interesting to me in the least ( and im willing to bet most other people you are “friends” with would agree with me) and not to mention i dont even think you are in the gym as often as you say you are… cause my arms are still bigger than your 50th ‘posing in the mirror at the gym’ picture you posted this month…
until next time xoxoxo frances